Episode 19: Fathering Men
With over 20 years of experience on a Men’s team and in Men’s circles, John Somerville has just about seen it all. Men hiding out behind a mask, making commitments without action, and playing the victim in their lives are just a few of the challenges that show up for men. In this episode, we explore where men often lose there way and where they can go to find it.
- Men take responsibility for everything in their lives, while boys look for someone or something else to blame
- The spirit of fatherhood all about modeling the behavior that you want the boy to grow into
- The definition of “Honor”: doing the right thing when nobody’s watching
- Much of what boys learn about masculinity is not spoken lessons, but behavior modeled by the men in their lives
- How the modern father can raise his son when he’s out working and busy all day
- Using context to deliver lessons
- Powerful partnership in raising children: unified message and a common vision
- “When a man is ready to marry, he will marry anyone. When a man is not ready to get married, he cannot marry anyone, no matter how perfect they are.”
- Is the woman, or partner, that you are with able to fully support your vision?
- Look at her parents – does their relationship reflect what you want?
- Ask for feedback – do your parents, best friends, trusted people in your life see you with this woman?
- Be honest with yourself
- What happens when we look to our partner to fulfill our needs in relationship
- The masculine epidemic of validation seeking and the need to “look good”
- The fear of looking bad – measuring ourselves by other people’s standards
- Men who have been over-feminized and/or raised by a strong woman, naturally look for another strong woman to fill that role when they seek a partner (validation seeking)
- Overcoming our ability to believe our own bullshit
- Most men, without honest feedback from others, seek comfort and mediocrity
- The importance of a solid moral compass for strong men
- The inevitable standoff between father and son, and why this dynamic almost always occurs
- The cost of over-mothering son, and why it’s so important to kick them out when they’re ready
- Trying to be friends with your son can be a big mistake
- Teaching boys about consequences from a young age to prepare them for the unforgiving nature of the world
- Raising the bar for fatherhood, and everything else in your life – the journey of a man
- What happens when the father checks out of his role